My best,

Mona

Minus the horrific car crash, the exact same thing happened to me 5 days before my Melbourne Fringe show last year. I was packing up our props to go do our trial show, we were 5 minutes from walking out the door. And I sneezed. Not a huge sneeze, just a normal sneeze, and I literally crippled myself. I went down like a tonne of bricks and couldn’t walk. The sneeze threw my back out that badly.

The worst bit was, because I didn’t think a “sneeze” could possibly warrant calling an ambulance (especially calling them away from people like you) I lay on the living room floor for the next 12 hours, moaning and paralysed… By the time 6am rolled around I was in 10 times as much pain, still hadn’t moved from the living room floor, and knew at some stage I’d have to go to the bathroom, so finally called Nurses Hotline, who in turn told me sneezes can cause horrific back injuries, and I needed to immediately call the ambulance.

Called the Ambos, they came right away, saw me on the living room floor and said I’d have to walk myself over to their little wheelie bed. I laughed and told them I hadn’t been able to walk or even roll over since it happened and “couldn’t you use one of those boards they slide under people with spinal injuries on TV?”, so they did.

They asked what the pain was on a scale of 1-10 and because I’ve never had a baby, I said 10. Good God. I can’t believe you said 4 because childbirth was a 10…my pain was so excrutiating, I figured I was all prepared!! They gave me the same pretty green whistle to suck on like you got, and it did nothing. NOTHING. Got to hospital and tried about 2 other drugs before a male nurse offered me liquid morphine mixed with apple juice which finally did the trick.

I then began freaking out about the show. We opened in 5 days, our trial show had been cancelled, I wouldn’t be able to rehearse again before opening night…all these things going through my head…then a nurse came in and said “I did exactly what you did, and I couldn’t walk for 3 months”. 3 MONTHS. The doctor came in and said there would be no way on earth that I’d be walking in the next week possible two weeks, and would have to cancel the show altogether.

That night I was finally about to be discharged, then upon moving, vomited my guts up from all the meds and fainted. Went home, stayed in bed for 3 days, and miraculously, out of nowhere, began walking. It hurt like hell and my hip pointed in a completely different direction no matter how hard I tried to straighten up. I went and saw an osteo who worked wonders on me every two days, and despite having to cancel the first week of shows, we managed to go on the following week.

I am so so so so heartbroken that this has happened to you, Jen. Just know that your brilliant show will keep, and it will be brilliant no matter when it’s performed. And when it opens, whether it’s next year, or 10 years from now, I’ll be there to watch, and cannot wait. In the meantime, will keep telling everyone what a fabulous performer they missed out on. Comedy Festival won’t be the same without you.

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